Welcoming Neurodivergent Kids to the Table
“What is your fourth-favorite color?”
“Can you please sit somewhere else? Your cologne stinks.”
“Did you know that Mozart wrote a dirty love letter to his cousin? I can recite it if you want.”
These may not be what you hope your older children or young adults would say to a dinner guest in your home, but when neurodivergence comes to the family table, things can get spicy. This does not mean that you have to give up on the idea of eating together as a family. When you stay flexible and focus on including everyone, you may find a new normal that suits your family perfectly.
Choosing the meal and prepping the food
Sometimes, neurodivergent young people can be very selective about what they are willing to eat. If you find this is true in your family, consider allowing that child to choose dinner once or twice a week, even if it’s the same meal every time. Feeling like they have control at least sometimes may help them feel more comfortable at the table. If your child enjoys helping in the kitchen, enlist their assistance in preparations, especially when trying a new recipe. Let them smell, feel, and (when safe) taste individual ingredients along the way. Sometimes personal investment can break down barriers to trying new foods.
Coming to and staying at the table
Sometimes people with neurodivergence experience difficulty switching from one task to another. It may be helpful to start the meal process before dinner is even ready, by giving your child a heads-up five, 10, or even 15 minutes before dinner will be ready, so they can finish what they’re focused on and be emotionally prepared to be at the table.
Some children and young adults thrive on consistency, and some thrive on novelty. Ask your child if they would prefer that everyone have their own assigned seat at the table for meal time, or whether they’d like to switch it up sometimes. If consistency is key in your home, consider the habits, scent, talkativeness, and general personality of those seated next to your neurodivergent youngster, and whether they will mesh well seated together.
The length of a meal, especially one that includes lively conversation, may be more time than your child can comfortably sit. They may eat quickly while others speak and then ask to be excused, or may dawdle with their food, preferring to eat after others are not watching. Either is fine. It is not necessary for every family member to be present from start to finish for the family time to be meaningful.
Saying Grace
Saying a blessing together is a wonderful way to begin a meal. Many families like to use common prayers for the blessing, which can feel long. Try making up your own brief blessing, or even better, ask your child to make up a short blessing. Something as short and simple as “Thank you, Lord, for our food. Amen.” might suit your family better than a traditional prayer.
Sensory trouble-shooting
Often, sensory sensitivities occur alongside neurodivergence. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures can make sitting politely at the family table a challenge for some children. If this sounds familiar, consider trying a few of the tips below to ease your young one’s discomfort.
Sights:
Lighting can seem overly bright and even cause pain in some individuals with sensory sensitivities. You can try switching to a side lamp on low instead of overhead lights, try soft candle lighting, or allow the individual to wear sunglasses and/or a hat with a brim to the table to shield their eyes. If the individual finds certain colors or patterns overstimulating, try something more muted or plain for tablecloths and napkins.
Sounds:
Every person reacts differently to music. If your neurodivergent child is calmed or soothed by background music, it may help set the mood for mealtime. On the other hand, if music makes them upset or emotional, it may be best to skip it. Other sounds, such as a dishwasher running in the background or lively dinner conversation, may be overwhelming. Allowing your child to wear headphones, whether to block noise or to provide their own comfort music, may help them stay at the table and participate.
Smells:
If you know that certain foods are intolerable to your child, it may help to avoid making them for a whole-family meal, as the smell may be too much for them to sit with. Similarly, wearing heavy perfume or cologne may be problematic for some individuals. Conversely, if certain smells, such as lavender or vanilla, help soothe your individual through difficult situations, allowing them to bring a small stuffed animal or cloth napkin that has been infused with the scent to the table may ease them through any difficult moments.
Tastes:
Taste is the most obvious sense at the table. It is tempting to label sensitivities as “picky,” but for someone with sensory difficulties, it may be sincerely intolerable for them to eat certain foods, even causing gagging. While it’s always fine to offer “no thank you” helpings of foods they don’t like to eat, letting them know it’s OK not to eat them can go a long way toward easing their tension at the table. If this is not something your family can do, perhaps you could try it for even one day a week or on the weekends, so your neurodivergent child can have a meal when they don’t feel stressed about what’s on their plate. It could help them be more open to family conversation.
Textures:
Much like taste, the texture of foods can be challenging for some individuals. The same suggestions apply.
Conversation
Imagining the family table may conjure up visions of lively, friendly conversation. For some neurodivergent individuals, conversation can be challenging, especially if they feel like they’re on display. If your child has difficulty with conversation at the table, start small. Perhaps after grace and before the food is passed, have each family member say one thing they’re thankful for from the day, or one thing that happened to them that day. If everyone participates, no one will feel singled out.
If your family has dessert, you could have the “dessert question,” a question everyone has to answer before they receive dessert. It may be tempting to use this time to ask questions about homework or problems at school, but if your child struggles with conversation to begin with, keeping it light will help them want to participate. Asking questions that feed into their interests will help draw them out, such as “Who is your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and why?” Or “Which subject in school do you think your favorite anime character would like best?” Try giving your own answer to the questions as well, to encourage back-and-forth conversation.
Special Occasions
Some individuals thrive on the novelty and excitement of holidays and celebrations, while others dread the disruption to routine. If your child is the latter, try marking holidays in smaller ways, and enlist their help in deciding what you might do that’s special. For instance, if everyone else in the family enjoys a certain special meal on Christmas, but your neurodivergent individual doesn’t like that meal, perhaps they could be allowed to choose a side dish so they have something they enjoy eating as well. If you traditionally dress up to come to dinner on Easter but your individual can’t stand the tags on their nice clothes, perhaps they could be allowed to wear something they’re comfortable in with a nice sweater over top. Working with them ahead of time to set expectations and compromises will help holidays run more smoothly.
Guests
Once you have a ritual for meal time that works for your family, it may feel stressful to invite guests into the mix. You may worry that a guest will throw off the balance, or that they may find the way you do family table strange. One of the best ways to combat this is to be open and honest with guests before they arrive. Explain to them that you include all family members at the table, and accommodate each of their challenges in the best way for them. Invite them to join the table as you would normally have it without them present, whether that means with low lighting or a child wearing headphones and glasses. If you use the dessert question or some other strategy for conversation, invite the guest to answer or participate as well. The more you treat your ritual as acceptable and natural, the more at home your guests will feel in participating right along with you.
The most important thing to remember about developing a family table routine with neurodivergent family members is to remain flexible and inclusive. It’s OK to think outside the box in order to welcome everyone you love to the table. Your family will have a unique ritual that will allow family bonds to grow in your home.
